Make the Rules Stick--Set Personal and Family Boundaries -Gary and Joy Lundberg

Validation does not mean that you agree.  This is the one rule you want to understand.

Personal Boundaries

• What you like, don't like, will do, won't do, how close you will let people get to you, how close you will get to others
• Boundaries define what there is about you to love.
• People without boundaries appear as a hologram, they have the appearance of reality, but are hollow with no substance.  Life goes over you, through you and around you.  You get stepped on like a doormat.
• When you have boundaries, you have substance, people know what they can count on.

Four Attributes of Effective Boundaries.  They must be...

1. Kind
2. Gentle
3. Respectful
4. Firm

They must be as comfortable as breathing.  You don't need to justify or defend your boundaries.  It's okay to say, "I just don't do that" or "I can't do that."  You don't need to be mean, nasty or ugly!

Example:  

• "Do not call me that name.  I don't deserve to be called that name.  Do not call me that ever again."
• If they come back and say something else or call you the name again...
• Repeat what you said, "Do not call me that name.  I don't deserve to be called that name.  Do not call me that ever again."  and then leave the room.
• Watch your body language.  When you come back, act normal.
• If they say something again, repeat, "Do not call me that name.  I don't deserve to be called that name.  Do not call me that ever again."
• It often gets worse before it gets better.
• They don't want you to change.  Be consistent!

Boundaries are very important things.  When your children see that you have boundaries, they learn how to have their own boundaries.

• Rules that stick doesn't mean you use a stick.
• Say Yes to your children as often as you can so when you say No, they know you really mean it.
• Validation works and doesn't sacrifice your boundaries.
• "A soft voice turns away wrath, but grevious words stir up anger."  -Proverbs 15:1

Meet as parents:

• Decide what are your values and boundaries
• Be united
• Teach them to your children
• You don't waste time when you are with your kids.
• Good times to teach are fhe, bedtime, dinner time, in the car
• Important that your children really know that you love them.

It's important to know what the main job of a child is... to get their needs met at any cost.

When you are angry, you say things that you don't mean and can't enforce.  A boundary is only a boundary if you enforce it.  Be creative!

Audrey's blah blah:

I always feel the need to justify why I can't do something.  I need to give a reason so the other person knows that I have a good reason I am saying no.  I loved it when they said that you don't need to justify or defend your boundaries.  I've tried doing that and it really works!  It's a little weird to not launch into an explanation, but it's also nice to not feel as if I have to defend myself.  

As for kid stuff... being a parent is hard.  I know everyone is doing the best that they can.  I read once that if you worry about not being a good parent, then you are a good parent.  Bad parents don't worry about that stuff!