Finding Joy in Fulfilling Your Greatest Responsibilities with Your Family (Gary and Joy Lundberg) Part 1

Let's Talk:  How To Open the Doors of Communication:


Have a Sense of Humor

• Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.  Lighten up!
• Laughter brings people closer to you.
• Make it fun.  Find humor in bad situations

Talk to Each Other and Listen

• Take the time to let children speak and listen
• Validation:  I do not have the power to make anything better for anyone else.  I can offer my help, but I can't make it all better.  
• We care so somethings we think we do have the power to make it all better
• Walking besides another person emotionally without changing their direction (don't push, pull or lead to your direction.)

Rules of Validation

1. Listen    2.  Listen     3.  Listen    4.  Understand

1. Listen by giving your full attention
• I can expect nothing more of somebody else that what I am willing to give.
2. Listen to the emotions being expressed
• Nobody has the right to tell someone else how to feel
3. Listen to the needs being expressed
• When you stop listening to reply back to the person, you don't hear their needs
4. Understand from the other person's point of view
• when a person starts a conversation, the best thing you can do is to listen and then understand from their point of view

• It lifts a burden when you use the rules of validation.  You don't have to solve others problems, just use the rules, don't tell them what to do.
• Leave the responsibility where it belongs.  If they don't know what to do, you can make a suggestion, but them choose what it is.  The magic question is "Honey, what are you going to do?"  It helps them become problem solvers.

Validating Phrases

Say in a heartfelt manner...

• Oh!
• Wow!
• Hmmmm.
• Oh, my goodness!
• How exciting!
• Great!

Look for the Operative Word or Phrase

This is the word that carries the emotion in what they are saying.  Use that word back to them to let them know you understand.  Examples: (the operative word is underlined)

• I bet that was hard.
• That would hurt.

Eliminate WHY:

Why puts a person on the defense.  The easy answer to why is "I don't know."  "Because."  "Why not?"

Use validating questions instead:

• what 
• when
• where
• how

Questions are validating when they are used to gather information.

Let them think it, let them come up with the answers, don't provide them the answers.

The key:  Validating phrases and questions do not contain any answers.

Audrey's blah blah:

The Lundbergs had a lot to say and they illustrated it with stories, which I didn't write down.  I thought that using the rules of validation sounded interesting and I want to try them.  It sounds hard though to let go of the responsibility of solving my kids problems.  But I'm sure it would be good for them if I tried this.  I also have been trying to hear the operative word when they are telling me something (good or bad) and use it when I reply.  They had some great suggestions, but like most things, they sound easier than they really are.