Make the Rules Stick--Set Personal and Family Boundaries -Gary and Joy Lundberg

Validation does not mean that you agree.  This is the one rule you want to understand.

Personal Boundaries

• What you like, don't like, will do, won't do, how close you will let people get to you, how close you will get to others
• Boundaries define what there is about you to love.
• People without boundaries appear as a hologram, they have the appearance of reality, but are hollow with no substance.  Life goes over you, through you and around you.  You get stepped on like a doormat.
• When you have boundaries, you have substance, people know what they can count on.

Four Attributes of Effective Boundaries.  They must be...

1. Kind
2. Gentle
3. Respectful
4. Firm

They must be as comfortable as breathing.  You don't need to justify or defend your boundaries.  It's okay to say, "I just don't do that" or "I can't do that."  You don't need to be mean, nasty or ugly!

Example:  

• "Do not call me that name.  I don't deserve to be called that name.  Do not call me that ever again."
• If they come back and say something else or call you the name again...
• Repeat what you said, "Do not call me that name.  I don't deserve to be called that name.  Do not call me that ever again."  and then leave the room.
• Watch your body language.  When you come back, act normal.
• If they say something again, repeat, "Do not call me that name.  I don't deserve to be called that name.  Do not call me that ever again."
• It often gets worse before it gets better.
• They don't want you to change.  Be consistent!

Boundaries are very important things.  When your children see that you have boundaries, they learn how to have their own boundaries.

• Rules that stick doesn't mean you use a stick.
• Say Yes to your children as often as you can so when you say No, they know you really mean it.
• Validation works and doesn't sacrifice your boundaries.
• "A soft voice turns away wrath, but grevious words stir up anger."  -Proverbs 15:1

Meet as parents:

• Decide what are your values and boundaries
• Be united
• Teach them to your children
• You don't waste time when you are with your kids.
• Good times to teach are fhe, bedtime, dinner time, in the car
• Important that your children really know that you love them.

It's important to know what the main job of a child is... to get their needs met at any cost.

When you are angry, you say things that you don't mean and can't enforce.  A boundary is only a boundary if you enforce it.  Be creative!

Audrey's blah blah:

I always feel the need to justify why I can't do something.  I need to give a reason so the other person knows that I have a good reason I am saying no.  I loved it when they said that you don't need to justify or defend your boundaries.  I've tried doing that and it really works!  It's a little weird to not launch into an explanation, but it's also nice to not feel as if I have to defend myself.  

As for kid stuff... being a parent is hard.  I know everyone is doing the best that they can.  I read once that if you worry about not being a good parent, then you are a good parent.  Bad parents don't worry about that stuff!

Discover Couple Power: Create a Lasting Marriage -Gary and Joy Lundberg

Return to the Beginning

• People don't fall out of love-- they forget to love.  Go back to the things you did at the beginning of your relationship that worked for you.  Talk about the reason you got together, look at photographs, etc.
• Try to keep the beginning very much alive
• Keep your romance alive.  Be affectionate, show the love.  The greatest gift you can give your children is parents who love each other.

Appreciate the Differences

• Go watch this YouTube video:  The Tale of Two Brains

Focus on the Positive

• Don't criticize, don't focus on the negatives, don't find fault with each other
• Tell each other when you see positives and the positive attributes will grow
• For two weeks stop saying anything negative about your spouse.  Notice the good things and tell them when you see them.
• Use "please" and "thank you" with your mate.

Audrey's blah blah:

So it's been awhile... I want to finish up my notes from Education week this summer.  New year, new start, blah blah blah...

If you didn't watch the YouTube video... go watch it.  They showed it in class and it is hilarious.  It also really helped me see how men and women think differently.  Go see the video!!!

Finding Joy in Fulfilling Your Greatest Responsibilities with Your Family (Gary and Joy Lundberg) Part 1

Let's Talk:  How To Open the Doors of Communication:


Have a Sense of Humor

• Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.  Lighten up!
• Laughter brings people closer to you.
• Make it fun.  Find humor in bad situations

Talk to Each Other and Listen

• Take the time to let children speak and listen
• Validation:  I do not have the power to make anything better for anyone else.  I can offer my help, but I can't make it all better.  
• We care so somethings we think we do have the power to make it all better
• Walking besides another person emotionally without changing their direction (don't push, pull or lead to your direction.)

Rules of Validation

1. Listen    2.  Listen     3.  Listen    4.  Understand

1. Listen by giving your full attention
• I can expect nothing more of somebody else that what I am willing to give.
2. Listen to the emotions being expressed
• Nobody has the right to tell someone else how to feel
3. Listen to the needs being expressed
• When you stop listening to reply back to the person, you don't hear their needs
4. Understand from the other person's point of view
• when a person starts a conversation, the best thing you can do is to listen and then understand from their point of view

• It lifts a burden when you use the rules of validation.  You don't have to solve others problems, just use the rules, don't tell them what to do.
• Leave the responsibility where it belongs.  If they don't know what to do, you can make a suggestion, but them choose what it is.  The magic question is "Honey, what are you going to do?"  It helps them become problem solvers.

Validating Phrases

Say in a heartfelt manner...

• Oh!
• Wow!
• Hmmmm.
• Oh, my goodness!
• How exciting!
• Great!

Look for the Operative Word or Phrase

This is the word that carries the emotion in what they are saying.  Use that word back to them to let them know you understand.  Examples: (the operative word is underlined)

• I bet that was hard.
• That would hurt.

Eliminate WHY:

Why puts a person on the defense.  The easy answer to why is "I don't know."  "Because."  "Why not?"

Use validating questions instead:

• what 
• when
• where
• how

Questions are validating when they are used to gather information.

Let them think it, let them come up with the answers, don't provide them the answers.

The key:  Validating phrases and questions do not contain any answers.

Audrey's blah blah:

The Lundbergs had a lot to say and they illustrated it with stories, which I didn't write down.  I thought that using the rules of validation sounded interesting and I want to try them.  It sounds hard though to let go of the responsibility of solving my kids problems.  But I'm sure it would be good for them if I tried this.  I also have been trying to hear the operative word when they are telling me something (good or bad) and use it when I reply.  They had some great suggestions, but like most things, they sound easier than they really are.

Personal Finance (Bryan Sudweeks) Part 4

Debt Free Living
Getting into debt is easy, getting out is hard.
We run into debt and crawl out of it.
We buy things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people who don't care.
Live like most people won't so you can live like most people won't.

Principles of Personal Finance:
1.  Ownership  2.  Accountability  3.  Stewardship  4.  Agency

Leader's Counsel on Debt:

• Interest is with you day and night... it just keeps growing
• Debt is okay for a modest home or to pay for an education
• Be organized with money

Debt Cycle:

1. Start going into a little debt
2. Take on more debt to keep up lifestyle
3. Continue taking on debt until balances are so high that they...
4. Get into trouble

Why People Go Into Debt:

1. Ignorance- don't understand interest and true costs of things
2. Carelessness- understand costs but are lazy about spending
3. Compulsiveness- lack of self control with spending
4. Pride- want to look good to others
5. Necessity- when you truly can't feed your family

Stopping the Debt Cycle:

1. Ignorance gives way to wisdom
• Understand interest and costs
• Understand you have to change (not easy)
2. Carelessness gives way to exactness
• Understand the dangers of the debt cycle
• Realize the danger we put ourselves in
3. Compulsiveness gives way to diligence
• Develop self control in financial situations
• Get on a budget and spend only on your goals
4. Pride gives way to humility
• How we look to God is more important than how others look to us
5. Necessity gives way to self-reliance
• We gain skills to become self reliant and use those skills to help others

Debt Reduction Strategies:

1. Accept you have a debt problem
2. Stop incurring debt (If you find yourself in the bottom of a hole... stop digging!)
3. Make a list of all your bills
4. Look for one-shot ways of reducing debt (sell unnecessary items)
5. Organize a debt reduction or elimination plan and follow it

Debt Reduction/Elimination Plans:

1. Personal Strategies:
• Pay off most expensive (highest interest rate) debt first
• List all debts and order with highest interest rates first
• Once the most expensive debt is paid first, keep paying the same amount towards the next highest debt and Power Down your debt.  (see personalfinance.byu.edu TT20)
• Another way is to pay the smallest amount of debt first and then go to the next smallest (TT31)
• Do not use Home Equity Loans to pay off debt.  80% of people who take out a HEL are back where they were in 3 years.  You have to address your spending behaviors.
2. Counseling Strategies:
• Credit counseling agencies
• Help with debt negotiation
• Use if very far into debt
3. Declare Bankruptcy

Audrey's blah blah:

I really enjoyed this class.  It gave me some good ideas and strategies to better manage our money.  I went to mint.com and set up an account.  It's a pretty cool website and it's free to use.  I like the charts the best.  I haven't been over to the byu personal finance website yet, but I want to and I want to explore more about personal finance.  My next area of interest is investing.  

This was the final class in this series.  Next up: Finding Joy in Fulfilling your Greatest Responsibilities with Your Family by Joy and Gary Lundberg.

Personal Finance (Bryan Sudweeks) Part 3

Savings for Children's Education:  What We Can Do Now

• Helping pay for children's education is a personal choice.

Why get an education?

• The more education you have, the more money you will make over your lifetime
• The greater your education, the greater your ability to serve
• An education is a good investment
• Is an education cheap?  No, but the cost of ignorance is higher.

Principles of Financing Education and Missions

Teach Children to be Financially Responsible

• Teach them to work and earn, consistent with age and abilities
• Teach them to share the things they have
• Teach them to be accountable for their spending
• Teach them that they earn and receive money for their working, not their whining.

Help Children Save for Their Own Education and Missions Consistent With Their Abilities to Earn

• Encourage savings goals
• Set up bank accounts for them and contribute
• Give them the ability to earn money for educations and missions
• Don't put your retirement at risk for children's educations

Develop Education and Mission Plans for your Children Consistent With Personal Goals and Budget

• Help save for children's education and mission plans
• Set aside money for their accounts each month (1% of income)
• Encourage children to participate
• Plans that require work and contributions by the children have a better chance of teaching the principles discussed
• Share the plans with children

Start NOW and Make it Part of Your Budget

• Make saving a key part of budget
• Begin now and early
• Have the children help save 
• Encourage other family members to contribute to each others educations

Invest Wisely and Tax Efficiently

Priority of Money for Education

1. Free Money: scholarships from schools and private sources, grants (Pell, ACG, SMART, SEOG), armed forces scholarships
2. Family Money: If the children help out, they'll be more responsible.  Start the process of financial self-reliance as soon as you can.  Do what you can but don't do it all.  If people help out, express appreciation.
3. Employment: Have them work to help save money.  No more than 10 hours a week for high school and no more than 20 hours a week for undergraduates.
4. Loans:  Ask Questions.  Who pays the interest? When do you pay it back? Who takes out the loan (parent or child)? What is the interest rate cap?  Is it subsidized, unsubsidized or stafford?  Stay away from Plus Loans (parents responsible) and Private Loans (expensive interest rates).  Federal loans are less expensive.  Don't use credit cards, pay day loans or take money out of your retirement.

College Savings Plans

     With Tax Benefits

• EE and I government bonds (too much $)
• Education IRA (NOT recommended)
• 529 prepaid tuition (hard to know what school your child will go to)
• 529 savings plans (RECOMMENDED): Has no yearly limit for contributions, has a $368,000 max amount in the account, each state has one but you don't have to use the one in your state although you may get state tax breaks (You do in VA)

     Without Tax Benefits

• Tax efficient investing
• Know tax rates     Calculate after tax return
• Invest long term    Long-term capital gains
• Invest wisely         Use qualified stock dividends/stocks
• Receive tax-exempt income     Purchase muni//treasury securities when rates are attractive

How to save for missions

• No tax benefits
• Tax efficiently invested assets- have accounts in each child's name
• Custodial Accounts: UGMA/UTMA (NOT recommended)

Audrey's blah blah:

Calvin turns 9 in January.  That's halfway to 18, halfway to college.  We started a 529 plan when he was one and did the same for Natalie.  We put in money each month and should probably look at increasing the amount we put in now that he's getting older.  But it is fun to see that money grow and get bigger and think that when they are ready for college, we'll have at least something to help out.  Before Calvin was born Travis' job started a thing where they would take out a little bit of money of each paycheck and put it towards a savings bond and when it got to be $50 they would send it to you.  We decided to do that and that's what we used to start their 529 accounts.  We didn't make much back then, but it was great to be able to cash in the bonds to start their accounts.    We have also opened bank accounts for each kids and at the end of the year, whatever they have in their piggy banks at home, we deposit into their accounts using the fun change machine counter thing.  A little bit here and there, even when you don't have a lot, can add up over time.

Personal Finance (Bryan Sudweeks), Part 2

Budgeting Myths and Realities:  Developing a Budget You Can Live With


"Personal finance is more personal than finance, it's more behavioral than it is math." -Dave Ramsey

10 Excuses Why I Don't Budget:

1. I don't have any money
2. I like being poor
3. I love using my credit cards
4. I don't want more money at retirement
5. I want money related stress in my life
6. I don't like managing my money
7. I don't want to be happier in my life
8. I hate to pay taxes
9. I like being in debt to other people
10. Budgeting is a temporal activity

Myths:

Myth #1:  Budgeting is easy, it's only "math"

• Family budgeting is bringing together two people who have different backgrounds, goals, objectives, and gospel views and deciding how money should be spent
• One person's way is not the right way and the others wrong: they are just DIFFERENT
• Try to understand the other persons behavioral and emotional issues involving money
• Do together on personalfinance.byu.edu: Learning Tool 21 (TT21): Key Questions on Money and Relationships

Goals and Objectives:

• Develop personal and family goals together as a couple
• Do Learning Tool 2 (TT2) as a couple
• Find your top 3 goals.  Then plan the short, medium, and long term goals you'll need to get you to your top 3.

Principles of Effective Goal Making:

• What would Heavenly Father have you be or do?
• Write down top three goals as a family
• Write down top three goals as an individual

How do you handle different gospel views?

• Love people wherever they are.  Assume that they are trying their best.  This is your starting point.
• Work on building an environment in the home where the spirit can be.
• Work on building consensus and avoiding contention
• Strive to do things that brings you closer to the Savior
• Work on understanding what Jesus would have you do and then do it

Reality: Budgeting is NOT easy!

• It's not easy, but it's worth it.  Developing and living on a budget is important to achieving your family and personal goals.

Myth #2:  There is one right way to budget

• There are many ways to budget, some are better than others.  It's most important to get the principles right.

Principles of Budgeting:

1. Develop a realistic plan that meets your needs
2. Spend less than you earn
3. Record spending for tax purposes

Main Budgeting Systems:

Envelope System

• Divide spending into categories, put cash into envelopes
• Take money from the envelopes to spend
• You can shift from envelopes, but once the money is gone-it's gone.

60% Solution

• Determine gross salary and only spend 60%
• Save 20% for long term goals
• Save 20% for taxes

Spreadsheet Systems

• Excel: categories, rows (see personalfinance.byu.edu for examples)
• Do Learning Tools (TT4 and TT31)

Computer Software Systems

• Mint.com, Quicken, money, Mvelopes
• Categories: budget each one
• Receipts from banks and credit cards go directly into the website/system
• Plan for reserve and long term goals
• Must update regularly and follow carefully (once or twice a week)

DNA H-ial System

• Do Nothing And Hope

Best System?? Different for everyone, but is...

1. Low cost and easy to use
2. Allows adequate categorization of spending
3. Allows choices of reports for tax and review
4. Minimize time doing finances (1-2 hours, once or twice a week)

Recommend: Mint.com for beginners (it's free) and Quicken for more advanced users.

Also check out Business Management 418 on personalfinance.byu.edu.

Conclusion:

1. Build your relationship.  Seek to understand the other person first, then yourself.
2. Develop Goals
3. Build financial knowledge
4. Resolve family differences
5. Improve communication and problem solving
6. Strengthen relationship with Jesus Christ

Audrey's blah blah:

I highlighted some things that stood out to me or that I hadn't heard before, like the 60% system.  I am interested in personal finance and finding ways to save and get great deals on stuff.  I think that there is always room for improvement and always ways to cut spending and save more.  One thing he mentioned is that credit card users spend 12-20% more than cash users.  That made me want to try the envelope system to see if that's really true.  We use our credit cards for almost everything to get airline miles and then pay it off each month.  I wonder if we would spend less if we paid cash for everything (or almost everything).  Something to think about and maybe try??!

Personal Finance: Another Perspective (Bryan Sudweeks) Part 1

Nine Myths of Personal Finance: What Wise Stewards Know


Myth #1:  It's All Mine (Reality: None of it is yours)
     Principle 1: Ownership: Everything we have is the Lords
     Principle 2: Stewardship: We are stewards over everything given us
     Principle 3: Accountability: We are accountable for our choices


Myth #2: It's About Money (Reality: It's About Faith)

• In most cases, financial problems are BEHAVIORAL problems, not money    problems.

Myth #3: It's a Temporal Matter (Reality: Money Matters are Spiritual because...)
     1.  All things are spiritual
    2.  Money is a medium of exchange
    3.  There is no true freedom without financial freedom
    4.  Money is a tool to teach principles to children: sacrifice, discipline, work, law of the harvest


Myth #4: It's a Man's Responsibility (Reality: It's a shared responsibility)

•  Spouses should be equal partners with money matters.

Myth #5: Credit Card and Consumer Debt is OK (Reality: Debt is Dumb!)

• Debt stops growth and is expensive
• Credit cards are fine IF you pay them off each month

Myth #6: If I Pay Tithing, I have little to worry about financially (Reality: There are Dangers to not being financially wise)

• Learning, thought and education on my part is important

Myth #7: Budgets are for college students (Reality: Every family should have a budget)

• Most families can't account for 10-20% of their spending each month
• Budget is the most important tool in obtaining our goals
• When you plan your spending, your money goes to our important goals

Myth #8: Parents are responsible to support adult children (Reality: Adult children are responsible for supporting themselves)

Myth #9: There are no good sources of Personal Financial Information (Reality: There are many good sources)

• providentliving.org
• Family Finance Workshop (Coming soon from LDS employment resources)
• personalfinance.byu.edu

Understanding What Wise Stewards Know

1. Recognize their stewardship
2. Have priorities in order
3. Plan their future early and live their plan
4. What they become is the most important thing.  Realize that it's not what you earn, but what you SAVE to acquire wealth.
5. Money cannot buy happiness but it can eliminate financial problems.
6. Understand assets and liabilities.  Assets have value.  Income generating (investments, savings, etc.)  Income consuming: (cars, toys, house, etc.)
7. Understand income: earned income (job), passive income (investments, real estate, businesses), portfolio income (financial investments)
8. Be responsible with your money.  "Every day with every dollar you decide to be rich, poor or middle class." -Robert Kiyosaki, Rich Dad, Poor Dad
9. Make a living by what they earn, make a life by what they are
10. Remember that the storms make us strong if we learn lessons from the storm.

My thoughts:

I was a little wary of this class after the first session.  I wanted to know more about what to DO to be more financially savvy.  But after the other personal finance classes, I learned that it was important to realize what good principles are BEFORE learning about how to spend/save money.  I highlighted some of the things that stood out to me from this class.  Also, check out the personalfinance.byu.edu website.  It has some awesome tools and has all the personal finance class books online that you can take on your own time.